"I Will Only Pass This Way Once..."

Quick update... the morning after my BPA freakout, I tossed out all the noxious plastics in my house, and bought SIGG water bottles for me and Alex, and the twins now sport Foogo sippy cups and Boon Fluid Cups (the ones that look like donuts).

I tossed out quite a bit of refined sugar, flour, and processed foods. I bought natural and organic foods. Tonight as I watched my kids eating organic (Alex included!), healthy dinners and drinking from safe cups, I felt good.

This next part of the post is more a matter of me speaking to myself.

I WILL ONLY PASS THIS WAY ONCE.

I've been on the brink of melt-down a few times this week. From the twins' escalating neediness, to the pre-schooler debates that rival mid-east peace negotiations, I am exhausted. I am so pulled to the edge, and yet I have to persevere, keep going, keep moving. I'm running on an empty tank. This is the hardest thing I have ever been required to do.

I am a flux of emotions. They run the gamut as I go through the day-- from sadness to envy, joy to despair, and total contentment in the children I was dumb-lucky to be blessed with. I get jealous when I think of all the countries my husband has seen since we've been married. Me, the girl who was ready to dye my hair and get contacts in order to spend a summer in Kuwait. I still want to get to the base camp in Kathmandu. But here I remain, in my house, trying with all my strength to keep a home and family together despite the tough military life. I wish I could see all the *****stan's, exotic locations that my husband has traveled to... UR! Mesopotamia! Nineveh! Mt. Fuji! How cool...

I get annoyed and saddened at the fact that I probably will never dance again. The last time I danced was in 2002. It's been a while, and it's not exactly like riding a bike. The other day I thought to myself,"I wonder if 'I still got it,'" and I did a pirouette in my living room. Off kilter, I fell into my couch, slamming my thigh into the arm of the sofa them falling unceremoniously to the carpet. I had a bruise for days. Nope, don't got it.

But, I'll only pass this way once...

This first year will only happen once. These firsts: first word, first steps, first haircut, you get the drift. Would I really want to shirk my duties and joys of the home to do something else? Honestly, I've thought about it almost every night. The hours between 5 and 9 pm are the worst. Dinner (the food fight), baths, bed, then clean up. It's rough. I feel like Sisyphus, pushing and pushing on an immovable rock. I've often compared this situation in phone calls with my man to an impossible mathematical problem. You know the one: Too many variables to grasp in order to even start solving the equation.
As I'm struggling with the SECOND baby after bath, (thinking all the while that I still have to get Alex into a shower,) trying with all my strength to get a diaper on a naked tush, I can't help but let my mind wander down that road of "Other things I used to do."

But, I'll only pass this way once.

Yesterday I was laying across our leather bench, attempting to read a book, and Brookie Bean cantered over to me, huffing and puffing. She was clearly miffed that I left her presence, and had something to say. I closed the book, layed my forearms on the bench and rested my chin on my hands. She watched, then put two chubby fists together under her chin, resting her forearms on the bench directly in front of me, and said, (pointedly) "Abba kwabba do dabba."

It was adorable, and terrifying for me to see her imitate me so meticulously. We, as parents, are the primary sources of what life IS for our children. We shape their perceptions, their health, physical, emotional, social and spiritual well-being. Here I was freaking out about BPA in sippy cups... there are far bigger worries to preoccupy my sleepless mind. What a HUGE responsibility it is to be a parent! Those seemingly small things we reject from our children, whether a request to play, to uphold a promise, or even reading a book at night, it holds far more significance than I realized.

Did you know that the palate of the baby sea otter is exactly the same as the mother sea otter? She likes clams, baby like clams. She eats kelp, baby eats kelp. Babies mirror their mothers throughout the animal kingdom. It's a scary thought. A huge responsibility.

I've always been preoccupied with the well-being of my children, but I don't think even my husband knows that I do this... Every night, as I fall asleep, I wake up with a jolt. I've taken this as my cue to do a final check on the kids. I've done this since the day I brought Alex home from the hospital. I will do it as soon as I get off the computer. I go through the list--- Are they breathing? Are the comfortable? Are the blankets safely secured? All hazards out of the area? Then I can rest easier.

Today, I was downright depressed. Then I got to thinking.... how long do I get these children? (Duh, eternity.) What I mean is, I get 18 years to directly influence, aid, and shape my children: a future generation. 18 years is not that much when compared to a life time. Immediately the cloud lifted, and I saw the task before me. I will only pass this way once, I better make it worthwhile. Every moment.

Today I received the ultimate compliment. A passerby in the toy store looked at my brood and asked one of my favorite, baffling, questions, "All they all yours?" "Yup!" I replied happily. I exchanged the requisite answers to the same questions I always get, and then I told the woman, "The twins really are the best. They are calm, and pretty chill babies. They have the moments, but all in all, they are the best babies."

"That is a direct reflection of you." She said to me.

I was deeply touched. "Wow, thank you!" I replied.

She smiled at Brooke, who was blowing her kisses and waving. Jack turned his head in flirtation, and Alex waited patiently at my side.

"No, really. You can tell that you are a calm, fun mother because of your kids."

I never want to forget that moment. Just today I was praying to be MORE calm for the babies, and MORE fun for Alex. Second wind, I got it.

I will only pass this way once. I'm going to make it count.